Alaskan Face-off

Last week Matthew told me that polar bear poo is white.  (For those of you who don’t know, Matthew grew up in Alaska, which pretty much means he’s the expert on things like wrestling polar bears, ice fishing, and wrestling polar bears while ice fishing).  Now polar bear poo is obviously not white (it’s purple), but I became painfully aware that should I ever find myself in an epic Alaskan Face-off* with Matthew, I would lose.  Thus, I decided to train by consulting my fine foreign friend, Great Sir Captain of the former Soviet Union, Baron Wicky Peedya.  After days of continuous, brutal training in dark, dank libraries across California, this is what I’ve learned:

  • Alaska is the largest US state by area and is larger than any of the next 3 largest states combined (Texas, California, and Montana).
  • During World War II, three Aleutian islands – Attu, Agattu, and Kiska – were invaded by Japanese troops and occupied between June 1942 and August 1943.
  • The most common language in Alaska is English.  The next most common language is Spanish.
  • Primary crops grown in Alaska include potatoes, carrots, lettuce, cabbage, and polar bear.  (Okay I added the last one).
  • Akutaq, traditional Eskimo ice cream, consists of reindeer fat, seal oil, dried fish meat, and local berries.
  • The state land mammal is a moose.
  • Alaska is largely considered a Republican state – it has only once supported a Democratic nominee, Lyndon B. Johnson in 1964.

I came into work today expecting to challenge Matthew to a dramatic, heart-wrenching Alaskan Face-off, but I received a cautionary note in my Inbox:

Alaskan face-off canceled.

*A battle of wits in which each contestant tries to one up the other with facts about Alaska.

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~ by Sophia on July 14, 2008.

5 Responses to “Alaskan Face-off”

  1. wonderful!

  2. Excuse me for being a nerd, but how did The Hulk tear apart adamantium…..?

  3. The Hulk can’t tear apart adamantium, but Matthew can! Notice how Matthew is in the snow – you can’t stop him in his native element.

  4. This post is pure magic. Some clarifications:
    * “Alaska is the largest US state by area and is larger than any of the next 3 largest states combined (Texas, California, and Montana)” – This is true. In grade school all Alaskans are forced to reverify this fact by participating in a surveying project which covers the entire state. Oh, and you got served Montana.
    * “During World War II, three Aleutian islands – Attu, Agattu, and Kiska – were invaded by Japanese troops and occupied between June 1942 and August 1943.” – What wikipedia doesn’t say is that Alaskans took great offense to this and subsequently spent the next 2-3 years of the war attacking Japanese freighters with armored narwhals – they have horns!
    * “The most common language in Alaska is English. The next most common language is Spanish.” – Si se puede!
    * “Primary crops grown in Alaska include potatoes, carrots, lettuce, cabbage, and polar bear. (Okay I added the last one).” – You forgot broccoli: http://norml.org/index.cfm?Group_ID=5743
    * “Akutaq, traditional Eskimo ice cream, consists of reindeer fat, seal oil, dried fish meat, and local berries.” – Ghetto version includes Crisco – seriously….
    * “The state land mammal is a moose.” – Uh, moose are bad ass.
    * “Alaska is largely considered a Republican state – it has only once supported a Democratic nominee, Lyndon B. Johnson in 1964.” – This is true but can be attributed to the fact that their are a lot of a. old people, b. hill-billies and c. people that want to “pertect” their guns.

  5. Matthew, maybe you should go edit some Wikipedia pages 🙂

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